Sunday, 20 May 2018

No tedious gym or exercise required!

WHO knew that the quickest way to lose a whole load of weight was to freeze it off? Not I, that’s for sure. And I’m not talking painful surgeries involving cryogenics or anything (although if you know anyone who’s doing this sort of thing, do drop me a line). No, I’m talking about that blessed Beast from the East!

For had those stalactites not formed at the end of my nose last week while I was taking Cookie out for one of those walks where you go too far and for far too long, the backs of your thighs start to hurt and you curse yourself for being such a brilliant dog owner, I would still have a bum the size of Jersey, clinging on to those stubborn last 20lb (give or take).

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t lose 20lb just because it was cold — I didn’t lose 20lb at all, to be honest. But I did lose 4lb, and this has catapulted me squarely back on to the long and winding road to Slimsville, Oxon. (Somewhere between Benson and Bix).

And it wasn’t just the sub-zero temps that helped me drop a few pounds, it was a) Beginning the ketogenic diet and b) Not being able to afford dog walker extraordinaire, Philip from WalKeys, thanks to the belt-tightening, lip-thinning vet’s bill from the previous week.

Which is great, actually (the diet, not the bill), because it’s high fat and low-carb. This means you can eat loads of veg smothered in slabs of grass-fed butter, double cream, salami and cheese while eschewing things with a high carb count such as, ooh, I dunno, chocolate, sweets and cakes.

Just when the Eleventeen-Year-Old decides she’s going to be the next Nadiya Hussain and bake her way through the longest adolescence in history, I decide enough is enough and jettison all carbohydrates from the kitchen cupboards.

As you can imagine, this results in a mammoth row, the like we’ve not seen since, ooh, the last one. About two days ago:

“Where are the hot cross buns?” She asks one morning, crosser than usual because her school remained open.

“Gone. So’s the bread,” I reply, somewhat smug in the knowledge I’m being a Great Mum, looking after the kids’ nutritional needs.

“Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes?”

“Ha! As if! I might as well feed you full-fat Coke if I let you eat that ****”

“WHAT?” She yells, incredulous. “What am I going to have for breakfast, then?!”

“Bacon, eggs and avocado. Yumsters.”

“Nooooo!” She runs into the utility room, frantically hoping to find her hidden stash of sweets. “But it’s freezing and we need sugar to SURVIVE!”

“Not from junk, we don’t. There are plenty of carbs in spinach, you know. And you needn’t bother looking in the washing machine or behind the beautifully organised baskets full of cleaning stuff in the cupboard under the sink because all the Haribos have gone, too. There’ll be no more sugar for us — we’re going healthy!”

“But I have to make cupcakes for food tech and I want to make choc chip biscuits and Nigella Lawson brownies in case we get snowed in and now I’ll have to get breakfast at the school canteen and I’ll have two chocolate muffins! Urgh! I HATE you!”

Just then, Grumpy Grannie rings and I tell her of the exchange I’ve just had with my daughter. She groans.

“Just let her have hot cross buns, she’s not on the keto-bl***y-genic diet!”

“I love you, Grannie!” My daughter grabs the phone from me.

So I trudge off to the Co-op, through the sludge, and buy several packets of sugar, Coco Pops and a few Creme Eggs. You know, just in case.

Back home, I promise my girl that we’ll do Yoga With Adriene on YouTube every night and I secretly scoff one of the Creme Eggs.

See? As soon as the atmos thaws a little at home, I turn to the sweet stuff and invariably stack it on. Being warm makes you fat, being cold makes fat fall off.

Oh, and there’s another bonus to all this sub-zero weather — when dog poo freezes outside, it’s an absolute doddle to pick up.

But that’s another story…

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