‘Talk with children about sad realities of life’

A FRIEND of murdered schoolboy Olly Stephens has urged parents to normalise “uncomfortable conversations” with their children.

Demi Urquhart spoke about the reality of being a teenager in today’s world and the online pressures young people face, in front of a group of residents.

The 18-year-old attended Emmer Green Primary School with Olly, who was 13 when he was fatally stabbed in January 2021.

The murder took place in Bugs Bottom, an area of open parkland near to Olly’s home. He had been lured to the field by a 13-year-old girl, where he was then ambushed by two boys aged 13 and 14. The youngest then stabbed Olly twice.

Miss Urquhart spoke at the event organised by Caversham and District Residents’ Association held at St Barnabas’s Church on Wednesday last week.

Olly’s mother, Amanda Stephens, talked about the launch of a new charitable trust set up in her son’s name and warned against the harm that “unrestricted access” to social media can have on children.

Demi said she wanted to raise awareness about the elements of social media that she believed many children were “too scared” to talk to their parents about, including violent videos or being pressured into sending nude pictures.

She recalled how the way she consumed social media content shifted quickly from watching “slime” videos when in primary school to clips of other children being “patterned”, (humiliated), when she was in secondary school.

“By year 7, my feed was filled with clips of people being patterned like humiliated” Demi said. “Not only are violent videos spread so freely, but they begin to feel normal.

“I feel like when Olly died, the reality of online harm became impossible to ignore. It wasn’t something on a screen anymore; it was real. And it made me realise how dangerous online culture can be.

“I was only in Year 7 when I started seeing harmful things online, so I can only imagine how much younger the people facing it are now.”

Demi added that social media was also promoting harmful beauty standards for young teenagers.

She said: “It plants unrealistic expectations into young people’s minds, which can grow into eating disorders and suicidal thoughts.

“And when someone feels that way, the algorithm on the Internet makes it frighteningly easy to find harmful content on how to stop eating and how to hurt yourself.”

Demi said she had seen an increase of violence in real life because of rumours started online.

“I think social media can affect boys and girls in different ways. For boys, it often pushes them towards the violent side. It glorifies drugs, gangs and aggression as something to be proud of.

“It creates this idea that if they don’t live up to those standards, then they are “soft” or “weak”, which can drag them into really dangerous situations.

“I think this idea has recently started to be more pushed onto girls as well. I see a lot more often, girls having fights with other girls, and I feel like a lot of the time this is because of social media.”

Demi also raised concerns about the pressures on young girls to send naked pictures of themselves to others online.

“Online, it’s made to seem like that’s the only way to be seen as desirable.” She said.

“And I think this, mixed with boys being exposed to toxic masculinity, makes it a lot easier for them to pressure girls into sending photos without any real concern for the impact it has.

“I feel like it’s a topic that’s not spoken about enough because so many girls feel ashamed and are left carrying the blame of boys who push and beg for these pictures, often face no consequences.”

Demi said that her advice to parents was to hold off giving their children a phone for as long as possible, but that, if that point had passed, to “normalise uncomfortable conversations.”

She said: “Parents need to understand that children can be groomed into situations like this.

“Anger or shame will only push them further away, and instead they need to show support and listen and understand and help their child find a way out.

“I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would be to tell your mum that you sent a naked photo.

“But this is such a real issue now, and I feel like if parents react with judgment or punishment, their child will only shut down.

“What’s needed is reassurance, honesty and support and making it clear that mistakes don’t define them and that they can always come to their parents with it.”

Since Olly’s death, his mother, Amanda and father, Stuart have joined the Bereaved Families for Online Safety initiative, supported by the NSPCC, to campaign for a safer internet for children.

They are one of 11 bereaved families who all claim social media played a part in their children’s deaths, from the promotion of suicidal content to dangerous online challenges.

Recalling the day of her son’s murder, Mrs Stephens said: “January 3, 2021 was a cold, bright, sunny January day. It was just after Christmas.

“Covid-19 restrictions were in force. We were preparing to return to work on Monday after the Christmas break.

“That afternoon was full of the sound of sirens. The field was packed full of dog walkers and young families who’d been out enjoying some fresh air.

“People of all ages stood close to the place where Olly lay. A lady was carrying out CPR on Olly, it was clear to see that he had passed.

“We had raced over to where he lay after we were alerted to what had happened by a loud banging on the front door. A young man shouted, Ollie’s been stabbed!”

This year Mr and Mrs Stephens have launched Olly’s Work, a charity set up in their son’s name which aims to educate about online safety and teach young people about the choices and consequences of knife crime.

Mrs Stephens said that she wanted to raise awareness of the serious crime, grooming, exploitation, gangland culture and violence children are exposed to online.

Along with the Bereaved Families for Online Safety, the Stephens were instrumental in pushing for the Online Safety Act, which received royal assent on October 26, 2023.

The bill means that Ofcom can now take action on the tech companies that are not adequately protecting children.

However, Mrs Stephens said that the group is still fighting for “safety by design” and the removal of content before children even see it.

Mrs Stephens said: “Harmful content is shown online and young children are not protected from seeing it.

“Violent, horrendous, harmful images are shown to children, and they begin to think that those images are normal.

“The algorithms are set to feed more and more similar images and content. You cannot escape from the harm you are seeing. They are bombarded.”

Olly had met the boy’s who murdered him a handful of times in real life, and they had first met through online group chats.

The boys had talked about their plan to attack Olly on Snapchat and had met the girl they eventually recruited to set him up online.

Mrs Stephens said: “Ollie’s murder was planned, calculated and organised online. Many young people were aware of what was going on, but no one intervened. No one said stop. No one sought help from a trusted adult.”

Videos of the boys showing off knives were found on their mobile phones and many of the voice notes recovered by the Police discussed knives.

Two hours after Olly died, the older boy admitted his role in a text message sent to another teenager.

The younger boy, who stabbed Olly, described it as “the biggest mistake of my life” in another text message, and said it was done “out of pure anger”

Over 90 per cent of the evidence gathered and presented at trial was taken from mobile phone data.

Mrs Stephens recalled that her son had enjoyed attending Emmer Green Primary School but had struggled when he started secondary school and found the transition “extremely difficult”.

Ollie was diagnosed as autistic shortly before his murder, and Mrs Stephens explained that this, together with the pressures of Covid-19 lockdowns and his behaviour at school, led him to become excluded.

“He was popular in year 6, however, he started to worry more.” She said: “He felt a bit different. He had low self-esteem.

“Like many parents, we gave Ollie a smartphone in Year 6. He had wanted to walk to school so a phone would ensure he was safe when travelling to and from school.

“We now realise that a smartphone did not make Ollie safe but exposed him to harm.”

Through his mobile phone, Olly was criminally exploited by a gang.

Mrs Stephens said: “As a 12-year-old boy, he was tasked to travel to London by train to collect a package.

“When he arrived, an adult took his money and punched him in the face. It was a setup. He now owed the gang.

“Next, his precious bike was stolen. He was trapped. They threatened him with a photo of our front door. The message was clear. We know where you live.

“We knew something was wrong and troubling Olly. But Olly wanted to protect us, his parents. Ollie did not talk to us about what was happening. He didn’t see the danger. I don’t think he took it seriously.”

In the weeks before he was killed, Olly had seen a video posted on Snapchat of a young boy being “patterned” and had alerted the boy’s older brother.

When two boys in the same Snapchat group realised what Olly had done, they accused him of “snitching” and began to plot the attack.

Mrs Stephens said: “So-called normal, real-world childhood playground arguments in the online world can quickly escalate out of control and lead to murder.

“So many families suffered, and lives were destroyed that afternoon. And for what? An online argument. Now Olly’s work is his legacy.”

Mrs Stephen said she regretted giving Olly a smartphone in Year 6 of primary school but that she did accept that mobile phones and the online world were a big part of young people’s lives.

She said Olly’s Work aims to provide parents with some help around starting difficult conversations and supports the campaign to get smartphones banned in schools.

It is also lobbying the big tech firms to remove harmful content from their platform.

The charity also promotes the work of Fearless, which is part of Crime Stoppers, and young people can use to pass on information about crime 100 per cent anonymously.

For more information: www.readingamnesty.art/ollyswork/

ENDS