Diary of losing Dad

A WOMAN who spent her childhood in the beautiful surroundings of Shiplake College has written a book on the thorniest of subjects, grief and bereavement.

Actress Emily Bevan’s father, Nick, was headmaster of the independent school for 16 years from 1988 to 2004.

He was also a renowned rowing coach, who won the Boat Race and also won at Henley Royal Regatta. He died in 2014, aged 71, from renal cancer.

In her book, The Diary of Losing Dad, Emily reflects on the period when her father was in hospital to immediately after his death. She will be speaking about her experience at next month’s Henley Literary Festival.

She says that with the passing of time, she found it easier to focus on the happier memories more than the sad.

Emily, now 40, says: “I did a lot of work on my grief when I was writing and rewriting the book.

“It’s based on the diaries that I kept when he was in hospital and then a little bit afterwards but I stopped writing them very soon after he died.

“About three years later, I went back to them. I had a feeling that there might be a story or something in there that could be useful for other people.

“But, most importantly, it was really cathartic. It’s such a huge thing, losing a parent and I think three years down the road I had a better sense of perspective. I could see it all a bit more clearly and I felt ready to face up to it. It was an enjoyable thing as well as really painful.”

Mr Bevan attended Shrewsbury School and was in a crew that won the Princess Elizabeth Challenge Cup at Henley in 1960.

He studied geography at Balliol College, Oxford, and was in the university eight that won the 1963 Boat Race.

While at university, he befriended King Harald V of Norway, with whom he shared a birthday, and they rowed together.

One of Emily’s favourite stories told by her father was about a trip he made to visit his friend, the king, with some university friends.

She says: “They took this Rolls-Royce, which I think got written off at the end of it, and had a real adventure.

“They were sleeping in tents and washing in fjords but somehow they pitched up at the palace in their suits for lunch with Harald.

“Harald, on the other hand, turned up with his dad in a Mini Cooper, wearing shorts and a
T-shirt as they’d just been sailing.”

After university, Mr Bevan served in the army before going into education.

He taught at Westminster School from 1971 and coached rowing, winning the Schools Head of the River Race that year.

He then returned to teach at Shrewsbury School and became a housemaster like his father. In 1988, was appointed headmaster at Shiplake.

Mr Bevan retired in 2004 but continued to be involved with rowing. He was on the management committee of the National Schools’ Regatta and coached for St Edward’s School, Oxford, and the women’s eight of Balliol
College.

Emily, who now has a two-year-old daughter, Romy, of her own and a second child (a boy) due early next year, lives in Stoke Newington.

But she often returns to Oxfordshire to visit her mother, Annabel, and has fond memories of her time here.

Emily, who has a brother and two half-siblings, recalls: “Shiplake was our home from when I was about five or six until I was 18, so it was my whole life. It will lovely to be coming back to Henley for that reason.

“I loved my dad to bits and I think we had quite a straightforward relationship, which I feel I’m very lucky to have had.

“There was a lot of joy in remembering because I think that after someone dies, especially when they’ve been very ill, your memory is clouded by how they were at the very end. Then, a little time down the line, you’ve got a bit more of a sense of perspective and you can see the fuller person. You enjoy remembering how they were for the majority of their life.

“Dad was very much the headmaster — his tie was always flapping over his shoulder because he was always in a hurry.

“I used to walk the short distance between our house and his study often. I’d knock on his window and he’d let me in.

“His office always smelt of coffee and photocopying. He’d be dictating into his voice recorder and there were always lots of chocolate biscuits.

“Dad had tremendous energy and enthusiasm for life. He had a remarkable record for rowing coaching but he was also a very humble person. I think he’d probably be embarrassed about the fact that I’ve written this book.”

Emily says her father was very supportive of his charges.

She says: “He had this quite magical ability to instil confidence in his boys. They weren’t always the biggest or the strongest but he got them to work together as a crew.

“As a father, he was very encouraging, very positive and very warm but also very silly, probably different to the headmaster image that he was projecting at school.”

It was as a teenager that she got her first taste acting and was a useful addition to the productions at the then all-boys school.

Emily laughs: “It was really great because I was crazy about plays and drama. I got to do the school plays at my school, Queen Anne’s [in Caversham], and quite a few at Shiplake too. Obviously at that point they didn’t have girls, so I was a bit of a shoo-in. I was happy to oblige and I got to do double the amount of school plays. I would be part of their big summer pageant. It was really fun.”

When her father became ill and went into hospital, Emily was in a television series called In the Flesh playing a zombie.

She says: “In some ways, it was really helpful to have something to do as often actors are out of work, sitting around and feeling miserable about their career choice.

“Dad used to love hearing about what I was up to and I’d send him photographs and say, ‘We’re doing this today’. He loved nothing more than knowing that I was in work.”

Emily hopes that her book will help others.

She says: “I’m very aware that my experiences are very specific to me and my family but what has been lovely is that friends who have read it, or people who have reached out to me after reading the book, have said that just sharing it with siblings has opened up conversations which they hadn’t felt able to have.

“I had a really touching email from a girl whose father had died a few months ago. Her brother had bought my book for his sister and they had both read it and from that they had ventured into this territory that they hadn’t felt able to before.”

Emily Bevan will be in conversation with Leah Boleto at Henley town hall on Sunday, October 2 at 2pm. Tickets cost £10.

The Henley Literary Festival runs from Saturday, October 1 to Sunday, October 9. For more information, visit
www.henleyliteraryfestival.co.uk