Monday, 16 May 2022

The Bible: a child’s (mis)understanding

ON October 23, the church will celebrate Bible Sunday.

ON October 23, the church will celebrate Bible Sunday.

How much do you know of the Bible and its history? Here is one child’s understanding, which may prompt some memories — or make you go and read things again!

“In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one’, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

“Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

“Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

“One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

“Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him but they said they would have to take a rain check.

“After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

“Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice and blood.

“God gave the Israel Lights manners every day. Then he gave them His Top 10 Commandments. These include don’t murder, steal, or covet your neighbour’s stuff. Oh, yes, he also said, ‘Humour thy father and thy mother.’

“One of Moses’s best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Jerrycan and the wall fell over on the town.

“After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

“After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

“After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

“During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had 12 opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

“Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

“Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.”

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